She remembers when she was a new mother, her heart almost bursting with love, watching her beautiful little girl sleeping. She wondered what would she grow up like. What would she do with her life. Looking at the angelic face she knew the world was/would be her oyster. At times , especially when she was sleeping or if she was sick she would creep in to make sure she was ok…still breathing. She was always ok, sleeping peacefully, dreaming dreams, unaware of the twists and turns her life would take, or the path she would go down.
Many years have gone by, she grew up to be a beautiful girl, she’s a head full of brains people said about her. She was beautiful inside and out. She had a kind heart too. Soon there would be grand children. Her girl would have her own kids and she wouldn’t notice the years flying by. She wouldn’t notice her little girl’s inner torment that she kept so well hidden from everyone. She noticed her slim build, “Victoria Beckham is the same as me ” was what she would say to explain her weight loss. She ran everywhere, always on the go, always somewhere to be , someone to see. “I burn more calories than I put into my body she would say matter of factly, and that was true. She had a fast metabolism, she didn’t eat a lot, never had time, or ate at work. She believed her because it was possible. She wanted to believe her beautiful daughter was ok, she wanted to believe that what she was telling her was true , but, somewhere deep. deep down in the pit of her stomach she knew she was being lied to. She wanted to ask, she could almost guess the answers but was so afraid that if she was told the truth it would be so bad that she might not be stand the pain it would inevitably cause.
And so now, too many years have gone by, unspoken words, sometimes harsh words, sometimes screaming to be heard words, sometimes speaking softly and gently to her , hoping she would understand the pain the family and her kids had suffered by her decisions. Wanting more than anything to have that small girl back, the one with the bright eyes, the big smile , the head full of brains, but she was lost such a long time ago, she wasn’t sure she would ever have that girl back again.
The full circle had come around. She remembers when she was a new mother, watching her beautiful girl sleeping, only now her outer beauty was fading but her inner beauty was still there and sometimes she got a glimmer of it. And just like when she was a little girl, she creeps in to watch her sleeping, to check she is ok, still breathing. She is ok, she’s not always ok, sometimes the bright eyed girl comes through, shining a light at the end of a long tunnel. Now in the other bedroom, lying awake listening to her breathing, shallow breaths, then a long one . She’s ok, she is still breathing, and if she’s breathing she is still alive. Alive to live another day. Maybe tomorrow would be the day her beautiful daughter would make the decision. The one that has been so hard to make, the one that would change her life and put her back on the right path, the one that would give her back to her family. Maybe tomorrow would be the day she says goodbye to her demons for good.