From a journal written last year, part 2.

I find myself watching lots of different talk shows, debates in an effort to see if anyone has some pearls of wisdom for me. I listen to panels and audiences  all giving such expert advice but despite it all I just ”don’t get it”

They say always do a pro and cons list. So I did the list, but do you realise that if you do it by yourself you tend to be bias one way or another depending on how you are feeling when you make the list.

For example if I’m feeling sad or homesick I can make a huge list of pros to leave, whereas, if im feeling ok then the pros list becomes a lot shorter and the cons list starts to look better. How the hell can I make a choice when I can’t even make a list??

Do I base my decision on a certain amount of guilt….my kids need a mum and it would be nice to be more involved in my grand children’s lives….OR

Do I base my decision on what makes me happy, BUT, what does make me happy?? Shouldn’t I be happy sitting in the sun with a soft warm breeze blowing as I write this……normally YES, but add to the equation I have no job now, the season doesn’t look good given the current global situation, and already the list changes.

You see as much as all the quotes and advice from experts can give, we have to put reality into the mix. We have to put emotions, logistics and finances into the mix. Everything has a price!!! Can it be as simple as ‘follow your dreams” when normal things, everyday things like life get in the way, even guilt, is it the guilt that holds us back from our dream because in one way or another we have to sacrifice something. We hear wonderful stories  all the time of men and women following their dreams and we are full of admiration  for them but included in all that there has to be an element of being in the right place at the right time, sometimes having the right financial backing to achieve the dream or knowing somebody who can take them to the next level, I’m not for one moment denying that an awful lot of hard work and determination is involved too. But for the normal ”Joe” soap these things rarely happen.

I want to be happy , be part of my kids lives , to be a good role model for my grand  children, have someone in my life who loves me and needs me. Is that too much to want?? Is that what is influences me now – to be needed? As women do we need to be needed ??is it the  maternal/ nurturer in us?

Maybe the answer to all these questions leads to the ”finding yourself”

Maybe it IS as easy as that.

Maybe we put obstacles in our own path,  to use them in our own defence.

Maybe writing all this down has helped me to leave on the jet plane, to not be afraid in  what the future holds, providing it’s not me who puts the obstacles in the way.

Maybe this is God’s way  of answering my prayers for guidance, the Universe’s way of helping me to decide, helping me to take the next step.

Maybe the next step is just a leap of faith…….faith in myself:)

They say money can’t buy happiness, but I ‘d rather be miserable in comfort 🙂 lol.

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