From a journal written last year.

Thought I would share this…..from a journal I wrote last year when I realised I was at the crossroads.

Like the song says ”I’m leaving on a jet plane. Don’t know when I’ll be back again……..

Paradise, what is it? where or how do we find it/ Everyone has their own idea of what it is.

For me, it was living in a warm country, enjoying the constant good weather, the new  culture, food ,music and everything else that a new adventure had to offer. I was ready, ready to soak it all up like a sponge. Ready, to learn from the experience, grow as a person and hopefully meet a tall ,dark, handsome man with a smooth accent that sounded super sexy when he spoke English…..you know what I mean. I always think English sounds a lot better with a foreign accent.

So what happened I hear you say!! Isn’t that the dream off a lot of women, to pack up and move to a new, exciting, exotic place and start over!! Fed up with the hum drum of everyday life, bad weather, grey skies with little or no prospects of things improving.

Well, I suppose I didn’t really think it through, it was one of those rash decisions you make, and you think  it all figured out , when actually it’s not.

10 years on, yes 10 years have gone by and with hindsight being 20/20 vision I am seeing my past decisions in a different light.

I loved( well I think it was love), I have lost, I HAVE learned and  soaked it all up. The tall, dark , handsome men came and went a few times but ”the one” was not to be found. Going home every year was great, seeing everyone, catching up and spending time with the family, made going back  easy. Of course, I missed everyone, kids and later on grand kids, but not the weather or the drudgery that seemed to pull everyone down. Back in the sunshine, the never – ending  blue skies and sparkling sea I would resume my life, working, seeing friends and generally enjoying life as I knew it.

So back to what happened? I really can’t say exactly what happened or even if there was  a light bulb moment…..I think it crept up on me gradually.

I’m sure, like most women at one time or other you ask yourself ”is this as good as it gets”? you don’t know what’s  missing, you just know something is.

Having never been defined by a man, and I’ve always been my own person, I have come to realise that we are not meant to be alone, we are meant to be part of a pair.

It is difficult coming home every night to an empty house, no matter how many friends you have, how many evenings  you go out, you still come home to an empty place. Maybe I started to realise I wanted/needed more. I also realised that I don’t want to grow old alone…..I don’t mean no family, of course I will always have them but that one person who shares your life, falls asleep and wakes with you. Am I a day dreamer…..no, maybe I should be, but I am logical, sometimes too logical, too serious, too afraid to let go, too afraid of what people will think of me.

It is easy to read all these asserting  quotes on Facebook and like everyone, I agree with them, like them and even share them. It’s a different story putting them into practice.

They say sometimes you have to take a different road to get to the same place, I’m still trying to figure out where that road is, I’m not even sure I’m on the right road at all!!

TV programmes are no help at all. Is it me, or does anyone else think that Americans are a bit too deep, a bit over the top emotionally…….find yourself, who am I? I didn’t I was lost so how can I find myself? Who am I??  Jesus if I don’t know by now , when the hell will I know!! Is that just me or maybe an Irish thing.

 

PART TWO OF THIS WILL FOLLOW TOMORROW. X

 

 

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